Without a doubt a tale of a close friend of mine known as furious Vagina. One intimately discouraged day, she decides to join a mobile dating software against the woman much better judgment. Dared to participate in by a Penis Custodian pal of hers (technically maybe not bangable as a result of “nobody’s screwing business”) this woman is incapable of withstand the process and so starts herself commonly and blissfully into opportunities.

Thus we start our story with the celebrated Angry V as she downloads the app onto Rose-Goldie the new iphone 4, putting the woman 6 best photographs such as a star headlining picture as featured below.

Offered limited space to articulate her success, she is subsequently obligated to condense her impressive biography into certain boner-inducing traces and completes the woman profile to perfection. And almost like secret, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for evaluation instantly show up on her feed.

Per internet dating application regulations, Angry Vagina must swipe left if a specimen makes the lady dry as an article of sandpaper or else disgusts their. On the other hand she must swipe appropriate if she desires to explore new shaft concerned.

Below we have the advantage of observing her stream of consciousness as she sifts through increase of moping scarecrows together with her iphone 3gs.

Would we bang that man? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes left)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)

Would we bang that man? Possibly. Umm.

Recalling the important fairy myths of the woman young people, furious Vagina abruptly feels responsible if you are very superficial and gives a lot more soul to the woman “swipage” as she goes on the woman find Prince Charming.

Behold! me personally is completely new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. We hath spoken.

(furious V thus reinvents the fairytale matchmaking narrative, but this time inside design of

Rapunzel

. Equipped with boner as opposed to sword, Prince slays poverty dragon to get expensive new iphone. The guy today climbs enchanted rope of cyber pubic locks, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, furious V shoves him down dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong vocals . . .)

Short horny guys near me tiny dog. Pretends become large.

(Swipes left)

Bike man loves spandex. Golf balls maybe not large enough. Please mount bike in place of girl.

(Swipes remaining)

Wide range placed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself rubberized pussy.

(Swipes kept)

Too-young. Like teenager. Premature spooge probably.

(Swipes kept.)

Exactly why therefore bald all the time?

(Swipes left)

“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed dudes permitted.

(Swipes kept)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes left, punches phone-in face, inserts profile pic of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(ongoing as if hooked.)

Program professional acting to get fascinating rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes left)

Amazing abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes left)

A lot of beard. Face woodland outcompete outdated progress forest of enraged Vagina.

(Swipes remaining)

Gym selfies only? How ’bout penis pushups.

(Swipes kept)

Oooooh! some one is hat fanatic. Should be covering bald place.

(Swipes remaining)

You are living WHEREIN? Or is that for which you park your vehicle . . .

(Swipes remaining)



Wow you would like activities? Interesting. Certainly type. Time and energy to erase online dating application and obtain married.

(Swipes remaining)



You love to SEXT? Where is actually middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes remaining)

Demonstrates themselves in image close to hotter man. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)

States end up being challenging but is your own coach.

(Swipes kept)

Children? Woman boner dead.

(Swipes remaining)

Listed as “director” on profile. Of just what? Angry Vagina’s irritation?

(Swipes left)

No account details. Hail to just one picture of acne-prone skin. Let me go on and place feet available for your needs now.

(Swipes remaining)

Pleased vegan with picture of real time cucumber. Penis likely shriveled and depriving for necessary protein. I’ll get Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)

Whaaaat. Now they may be giving myself ladies. Swiping remaining too fast?

(Swipes remaining a lot more gradually)

(Angry Vagina requires break to get hold of closest friend “Nongay Wife” for sentimental words via text.)

“Nongay partner, Im top the selected people (otherwise titled Kitteh) through the wasteland like Moses. Looking to obtain water or Penis Custodian. I actually do perhaps not know if i’ll endure. Please deliver support.”

(Waits for response and goes on journey.)

Oh no! Swiped right by accident! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Prohibited? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unattractive man thinks they are preferred. Fuuuuuck.

(New inspiration.)

Left-swipage is slowly destroying heart. Must turn to self-swipage for curing . . .

(Angry Vagina requires impromptu split. Wasn’t ready to return to penis wasteland in any event.)

(Quick while later, right back on telephone app like lab pet.)

Trump supporter. Particular lovely. Cannot. Leave. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes kept)

Nipples pointier than mine.

(Swipes left)

CEO of something? What number of unemployed dudes are there any?

(Swipes left)



Yes! Long-hair good. Lady-boner claims hi.

(Swipes right)

Locks too-long. Homeless guy.

(Swipes left)



College student. Impoverishment life-threatening to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too-late . . .

(Swipes kept)

Appears 8 several months expecting with Budweiser.

(Swipes left)

Cluster chance with females! Trying to encourage myself they like you.

(Swipes remaining)

Freelance hot man. Don’t bang you in parents’ basement.

(Swipes kept)



Plenty razor-sharp teeth. May additionally have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes remaining)

Sure each photo in your profile is actually various man. Furious Vagina is actually perplexed.

(Swipes left)

Crazy smiley face. Looks as well pleased. Probably serial killer.

(Swipes left)

Hot man fantastic body. Dull individuality and task. Swipe remaining, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)

Over 40 never ever hitched. Lonely self-centered guy. 50-50 if good in sack. Meh.

(Swipes remaining)

Thank you so much for discussing peak. I’m sure every little thing i have to know. Bless you.

(Swipes remaining)

Oh no! Cell passing away! Must swipe remaining! Should. Reject. A Lot More. Mushroom-head-

And just that way, furious Vagina needs to call it quits for the day until a phone charger are found. Just for now.

In theory, the pushed downtime enable new shaft leads the chance to swipe close to her profile now, suggesting their particular delusional hope of banging the girl. Most won’t ever matter. However when her very own selected “right-swipes” return the benefit, otherwise known as the “mutual match”, the plot thickens.

Patience, Angry V, Persistence.



Are continued . . .